"Mom, Dad, you never listen to me!" is a complaint that many children say to their parents. Are they right? Do we really listen to them, or we just pretend? How many times did we say "No" to our children's request, instead of rethinking the question? I admit, I did it many times. We probably will have hundreds excuses to these questions; I know, I did. Our reaction is often connected to our lifestyle. Due to the changes in our society, parents are often forced to share their time for a career, spouse, children, friends, and personal interests. Because of this hectic schedule, we often become frustrated and less patient with our children. Therefore, when kids demand from us the answer to their request, our first respond is "No." Time has changed since our parents have raised us, and so should our techniques in raising our children. We should become more open-minded to our children's needs. They need us to listen to them, really listen. For example, when we talk to others about our ideas and ask them a question or request something, we expect from them to listen carefully, and give us respond better than just "No." Well, children need from us just the same. Through open communication our children can teach us too, and I have two examples what my daughters taught me.

My first experience in learning how to stay open-minded involved my daughter, Nina. For many months or maybe years my daughter asked me a question: " Mom, can I, please, get a puppy?" Without any thought to her question, I said "No." When Nina asked me why, I explained to her my negative attitude towards pets. Even when she tried to show me the positive side for having pets, I didn't want to listen; my mind was already made-up. One day my daughter, who was almost ten, really surprised me. She came to me, handed me a piece of paper and said: " since you don't want to listen to me, read this, please." In her letter she told me how much she needs a puppy to love and snuggle with, and to have "someone" for support. Again, she pointed out to me every positive side (that she could think of) of having a pet, and what she would do when she gets one. Her letter really touched me and made me think about my negative attitude towards my daughters ideas. I started to thing why I didn't want to have a pet, and then compared it with Nina's persuasions on why we should have one. After long thinking and rethinking, I agreed that kids do need to have "someone" that would belong to them, that they can love, and learn how to care for. Yes, I changed my mind and agreed to buy a puppy; what a joy for my daughter. Together, we decided to buy a Shih Tzu, little dog, named Rebel. I am ashamed to admit how happy I am to have this cute, little puppy, and what a big part of our family he is. I feel bad that my stubbornness, not listening, and inconvenience of having pets took the best of me, but I am glad that my daughter taught me a valuable lesson.

In my second example I would like to tell how my daughter, Joanna, changed my conservative approach towards raising teenagers and thought me how to compromise. As I mentioned earlier, sometimes we want to raise our children as our parents raised us, but often it doesn't work. My dilemma started when my fifteen-year-old daughter began fighting for her independence. At that time I was an overprotective mother who had seen the physical changes in her "little girl", but didn't want to admit, and didn't know how to let go. Unintentionally I tried to use the same techniques that were successful for my parents, but stop working for me. For instance, when Joanna started back talking to me during our tense conversations, I was hurt thinking that she doesn't respect me. Later on I found out that by talking back, children learn how to negotiate. Especially she started to "negotiate" when we moved from Nebraska to Arizona. Joanna wanted to stay out with her friends than she was allowed before. Of course, influenced by my teen-age memories, I didn't want to listen what my daughter was saying. Over short period of time my daughter behavior changed radically. She became rebellious and didn't want to listen to us either. Whenever she missed her curfew hours, she tried to make a point to us that her friends were allowed to stay longer, and therefore, besides promising her a ride, they were in no hurry to get home. Of course, she paid a price for being late, but this didn't change our relationship and a situation at home became very tense. I wanted to find a solution to our problem as soon as possible, so I read books, talked to friends, and to the parents of her friends. My daughter also tried to improve our home atmosphere and even used help from a school counselor. One day she showed us her proposal of new rules and asked if we will be willing to compromise. After the long talks with my husband and some changes to Joanna's plan, we all agreed on our new house rules. From my own experience I learned that careful listening and making changes in raising our children is essential.

To conclude my story I would like to mention the importance of listening to our children. We should hear kids carefully and equally, as we would listen to any adults. Keeping the lines of the communication open will build our children's confidence, good relationship, and self-esteem. Finally, our job as parents is to raise our children as successful individuals. In following quotation Kahlil Gibran says it better than I ever could: "…Your children are not your children…. They come through you but not from you…You may give them your love but not your thoughts…You may house their bodies but not their souls. For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you can visit, not even in your dreams…" (The Prophet 1923, 17-18).